July 31st

I think this will always be a day I'm trying to forget, but won't be able to. Matt and I have talked a lot about how we want to remember and celebrate Jacob's life on his birthday and don't want to commemorate the day he died. But I can't help thinking about it today.

This morning when I heard Alex calling to me to get her out the crib, I stumbled half-asleep to her and picked her up. Usually she wriggles around to be put down and set free. But today she somehow sensed it was a solemn day for Mommy, and instead of wriggling, she leaned over and kissed me on the cheek and gave me a hug. I took her to bed with me, and she snuggled right up to me and quietly, almost whispering, chattered away to me. I wish I'd had some idea of what she was saying to me! It instantly transported me back to mornings with Jacob. He was always the first one awake, and he'd sit on the couch with me and snuggle. That was the only time I could snuggle him, because he was never usually content to sit still. I loved those quiet times in the morning when we could just love each other. I'm grateful Alex reminded me of it this morning.

Looking back over the last two years, I am amazed at how we've been blessed. We've truly been carried when we just couldn't take it anymore. I'm so anxious to see Jacob again and sit and snuggle with him again. I feel a constant urging to do a little better so I can be worthy to be with my angel who died before accountability. I feel he is aware of us, overjoyed when he sees us happy and doing right and sorrowful when we miss the mark. But we're doing our best to do what is right and earn the eternal rewards he has obtained. Maybe we should commemorate this day that our valiant little Jacob passed the test of mortal life after all.

Jacob's Fourth Birthday

Like last year, we had Jacob's cake and ice cream picnic at his grave. We unfortunately had to make it brief, since it was hot and everything (ice cream, frosting) was melting so fast. We returned home and watched our home movies of his 2nd birthday.



I decorated the cake with red, yellow, and blue balloons. Primary Colors was Jacob's favorite song, and we released those colored balloons at the graveside during his funeral. The cake turned out awful because I have a bad cold and was just trying to get it done. But Taylor told me it was "awesome," so I can live with it.

Sweet little Nathan found my template for the cake, and he made a very sweet request. "Mom, can you put this on the fridge so I can remember how much I love Jacob?" I nearly cried.

A Very Special Gift

Ben and his wife, Rebekah, came to our Dark Knight Party Friday. Their first date was at one of our bbq parties a few years ago. Matt and I had forgotten that it was at that party that they played with sidewalk chalk with our little Jacob. They remembered that, and that Jacob's birthday is Monday, so they brought us some sidewalk chalk to honor that memory. We are so touched that they remember him and how special he is to us. Thank you, Ben and Rebekah, for your thoughfulness.