I haven’t updated Jacob’s blog for years. To be honest, I haven’t really even looked at
it for a while. Too painful. Too busy. Lots of excuses. But I’m glad it is here.
But today being today, I just spent the last half hour
reading through everything and remembering my sweet boy who left us nine years
ago today. Nine years. How have nine years passed so quickly? How have I forgotten so much? I am so grateful that we were prompted to
write things down so soon after his passing.
You think that there are things you’ll never forget, but you do. The events of July 31, 2006 are burned into
my mind. Some of it I wish I could
forget and cannot. But I never imagined
I’d forget so much of our daily interactions with Jacob during his short 2
years with us. So I am grateful I
recorded so much.
I’ve been thinking lately how upset I was when I found out I
was expecting Jacob. That’s probably
because my current pregnancy also caught me very off-guard! When I found out Jacob was coming, Matt and I
had been married for just over 4 years. Taylor
was a super rambunctious two-year-old, Nathan was only six months old, I was
teaching full time, Matt was in law school and working full time, and we were trying to close on our
new home that was 5 months behind schedule.
It was a stressful period in our lives and in our minds, the timing couldn’t
have been worse. I remember calling my
mom in tears saying I wasn’t ready for this and couldn’t handle it. But Jacob was probably one of the greatest blessings that has come into our lives, and I know that he came right when he needed to come
fulfill his earthly mission.
After a lot of prayer and consideration, just before Jacob
was born Matt decided not to continue law school, and I quit teaching and started an in-home
daycare so I could be home. It didn’t
make financial sense, but we somehow felt it was right. We didn’t know Jacob’s life would be so
short, and looking back we can see that if we hadn’t done those two things,
both of us would have missed a huge portion of his short life. I gained a testimony that even though we don’t
always understand why we need to do something, the Lord does and He will help us
make the right choices if we let Him.
I remember the two years of Jacob’s life as a happy
time. I know it wasn’t all rainbows and
roses and do remember some specific struggles I was personally having, but when my memory
takes me back, I remember mostly happy things.
Jacob was such a happy boy and really was a ray of sunshine. I sometimes wonder if he knew his time would
be short. He lived life to the fullest,
so I think maybe he did know.
I am grateful that my memories are happy. I am grateful for the Plan of Salvation and
that I’ll get to be with Jacob again. I
am grateful for the temple, and that I have made covenants there that enable me
to be sealed to my husband and children forever, not just until we die. My relationship with Jacob didn’t end with
his death; I am and will always be his mother. I am
thankful for a loving Heavenly Father and Savior Jesus Christ who have made
these things possible, and that They have carried us. No matter what happens in this life, how crazy
and depraved the world gets, I know that if I do my best to keep the Lord’s
commandments, my family can be together again.
Someday I’ll have a perfect understanding of why everything has happened
the way it has, but for now I know it will all work out in the end and I’m
doing my best to be a good wife and mother and live up to all the covenants I’ve
made with God.
I miss you, my Jakey.
I love you.
